reflections on: how does your identity change over time?

[00:00:00] This is a place where we talk about belonging Welcome to the Inbetweenish I'm Beatriz Nour your host

[00:00:09] raised in three cultures two religions and four languages trust me I get the chaos

[00:00:15] On the show I chat with those who have lived that inbetweenish life a foot here and a foot there

[00:00:21] building bridges across cultures and of course the age old quest to finding home

[00:00:33] Welcome to season two of the Inbetweenish pod I can't believe we've made it this far but I'm glad

[00:00:38] my past self pushed through the ton of self-doubt and millions of reasons to quit

[00:00:44] So here we are thanks for sticking around I hope you enjoyed the season it's been a true

[00:00:49] labor of love I have had profound conversations with amazing guests from all walks of life and

[00:00:56] I look forward to sharing them with you I hope that in hearing these vulnerable honest reflections on

[00:01:04] roots home and belonging that you hear fragments of your own life echoed back at you as humans no

[00:01:12] matter where we come from we have so much more in common than we have in differences

[00:01:19] So with that let's get into it the season we have guest interviews just our normal guest

[00:01:25] interviews as well as mini-sodes where I reflect on a certain topic and this very first episode of

[00:01:32] the season I have a mini-sode for you and this one I believe anyone can relate to on some level

[00:01:43] There's a question I find myself asking from time to time particularly when I feel quite lost

[00:01:49] Does anyone actually know who they are? I think for the longest time as a child through teenagehood

[00:01:57] early 20s I thought yes with absolute certainty adults know who they are

[00:02:04] They must because they go through life with so much conviction and confidence

[00:02:09] So yeah a true adult and a sign of maturity is knowing who you truly are

[00:02:16] I think when you're a child you look at adults and do you think like wow you know like that's what

[00:02:21] it's like to be a grown-up and you want to grow up and you think that growing up means freedom

[00:02:27] and choices and knowing who you really are but we neglect to see that it also means a

[00:02:34] shit ton of responsibilities there's no day off from adulting you know but as children we only

[00:02:39] see adulthood through these rose-colored glasses because we want more authority in our lives especially

[00:02:46] as teenagers but the reality is quite far from that it's hard growing up as hard adulting isn't

[00:02:53] all that it's made out to be and although I certainly romanticized adulthood now that I'm in my

[00:03:00] early 30s um I'm like damn this isn't all that easy guys and there's a shit ton of confusion

[00:03:06] somehow that hasn't gone away one day a few weeks before I was about to turn 23

[00:03:14] I was sitting on my grandma's bed crying my eyes out it was very dramatic we were very close

[00:03:19] though so I felt comfortable being vulnerable with her in that way so here I was crying

[00:03:26] I felt so lost so confused I was finishing up my masters while juggling a demanding job in my field

[00:03:35] of study but despite that somehow I felt like I had no direction in life I was telling her you know

[00:03:42] I'm nearing my mid 20s and I don't know what I want to be doing with my life or what I want to do

[00:03:47] after graduation I don't know who I am why don't I know who I am I was also juggling an interfaith

[00:03:54] relationship and I had no idea what would happen in the future would we make it would we not

[00:04:00] I just felt like such a failure and I was just piling on like oh why am I graduating so late

[00:04:05] who graduated this age why don't I have my shit together I just felt lost absolutely lost

[00:04:12] so she let me talk she let me express myself but then at some point she jumped in and I remember

[00:04:19] her telling me this in Portuguese this was my maternal Brazilian grandma or Vava as I would call

[00:04:26] her which means grandma in Portuguese basically and she played a huge role in raising me and shaping

[00:04:32] me into who I am today so she turns to me and says my dear grandchild you know we're 50 years apart

[00:04:43] I am almost 73 and I still don't know exactly who I am or what I want to do with my life

[00:04:51] you know life is life you just have to make the best of it make the best out of every opportunity

[00:04:58] life is a theater she would always say that but you will never know anything with a hundred percent

[00:05:04] certainty at least I don't even at my age so don't chase certainty it's normal to be confused

[00:05:13] at the time I don't know if I fully appreciated the wisdom in that statement

[00:05:20] momentarily it did make me feel a bit better to know that my grandma who was in her 70s

[00:05:25] also felt lost and she was reassuring me that it's normal but then once I went back to France

[00:05:31] which is where I was living at the time I still went back to feeling lost confused and you know

[00:05:38] just existential crisis and full on mode it was my last year it was intense juggling work

[00:05:46] obligations and designing and producing my final project it was a furniture piece all around the

[00:05:52] concept of home it was a year later when my grandma passed away only weeks into stage 4 cancer

[00:06:00] diagnosis that I started to recall the lessons Vava had taught me I wanted to keep all the pieces

[00:06:07] of her that I could remember together and so I wrote down all her sayings and lessons into this

[00:06:13] note app on my phone and this conversation came back to me in full force it's been almost seven

[00:06:24] years since her passing and I think back to this conversation often today I feel so incredibly

[00:06:32] grateful that she left me with this very valuable lesson and it's a story that I've shared

[00:06:37] with my friends in the past and so I'm sharing it with you on here today and selfishly I'm also

[00:06:45] sharing it for my future self to come back and listen to it again when I need it and although

[00:06:51] I still feel lost and confused from time to time my outlook on that has changed I do experience

[00:06:59] fleeting moments of clarity and I say that in quotations but I've come to understand that

[00:07:05] confusion is actually normal that it's just a part of life there's nothing wrong with it there's

[00:07:12] nothing wrong with it it doesn't mean that I'm broken it doesn't mean that I'm less of an adult

[00:07:16] it doesn't mean that I don't have my shit together I mean sometimes I don't have my shit together

[00:07:20] but it's not about the confusion part it's just that's life you know but today I am no longer

[00:07:27] looking for certainty in things I've accepted that to a certain extent I will always feel confused

[00:07:33] in one way or another we are constantly changing in life evolving from one stage to the next

[00:07:42] our first identity that we all go through is baby to a mother somewhere in the world either

[00:07:50] planned or unexpected we develop for nine months experiencing life through an ambi-bilical cord

[00:07:58] and then just like that we are born we start off as daughter or son maybe wear a younger sister

[00:08:07] or a twin or a brother to someone we graduate to students classmate best friend and confidant

[00:08:16] we chase accolades such as top performer class president honor student and on school days are behind

[00:08:25] us we then want titles like doctor teacher manager and engineer we go on to become lovers to

[00:08:36] someone partners exes soulmates and with time we may become parents to plants pets and sometimes

[00:08:48] our own children and in turn our children start to call out for mammo dad amma or bobo

[00:08:59] and this becomes a solidified part of our identity and once all the kids are grown up there's this infamous

[00:09:07] empty nest syndrome and many have to reinvent themselves all over again because something that was

[00:09:14] so core to their existence parenting a child is no longer central in their lives or needed in that

[00:09:22] child's life quite the same way so how can we not feel lost from time to time i've come to believe

[00:09:29] that if someone knows who they are it's for a fleeting moment suspended in time before they go

[00:09:36] back to feeling confused lost in certain aspects of their identities and maybe that's just normal

[00:09:45] part of the fabric of life so today i don't think people actually know who they are with absolute

[00:09:54] certainty i think people try i think people chase the sense of no way but things change so fast

[00:10:01] your near things are changing even if nothing changes on the outside even if you're in the same

[00:10:06] job with the same partner in that same house or you're still single things are changing

[00:10:12] the only constant is change right i think there's this incorrect idea that we should know

[00:10:21] fully who we are but it's hard to know something that's constantly evolving and i think people

[00:10:26] shed old layers constantly i think we're constantly reinventing ourselves as we grow up we add more

[00:10:33] hyphens to our identities all the time some hyphen to be choose some we inherit and some we accept

[00:10:41] as the circumstances of our lives like even the order in which you are born into a family will

[00:10:47] impact your identity but beyond the inherited things that we get from our families we also make

[00:10:52] certain choices and the older we get the more choices we have to make but it doesn't mean

[00:10:58] we know what we're doing i think everyone in some way shape or form is winging it pretending

[00:11:05] not in a bad way or manipulative way or anything but just as in they're trying to sort it out

[00:11:12] but with every new element added to our identities it doesn't mean that we necessarily

[00:11:17] wanted understand it accept it or that we've even had time to process it even things we want

[00:11:25] sometimes we haven't had time to process it yet sometimes we choose to take our spouses last name

[00:11:31] that's a hyphen that we opt for but sometimes life will choose for us due to unfortunate events

[00:11:37] so sometimes i think it's easier for someone very close to you to know you better than you know

[00:11:43] yourself you know when you're too close to something you can't see it very well right that's how

[00:11:49] I think we are with ourselves sometimes

[00:11:57] i want to tell you about something exciting coming up this October have you heard of

[00:12:02] finding home with them it's a two month coaching program developed by vbk from kimilian coaching

[00:12:08] specifically developed for multicultural people and nomads of all kinds if you're navigating

[00:12:13] several cultures want to understand how to ride the waves of transition and answer some of the

[00:12:18] big questions of life and belonging then consider this program as vbk is a compassionate coach

[00:12:24] who has been through it all before oh and if you choose to take this course i'll be in this upcoming

[00:12:30] cohort with you links to sign up are in the show notes of this episode

[00:12:40] and now i want to go back to our initial question for this mini-sode does anyone actually know who

[00:12:47] they are do you do you feel like you know who you are

[00:12:53] i want to say obviously all of this is biased this is my point of view on things based on my

[00:12:58] life experience but if you're in your 20s and you're feeling lost and confused join the club

[00:13:05] it's normal it's part of adulthood as just part of being human and the same goes if you're in your

[00:13:11] 30s 40s 50s 60s or even your 70s

[00:13:19] confusion is part of the human experience so if you're lost and if you are wondering about your

[00:13:27] place in the world and if you are confused about your identity and who you really are

[00:13:36] congratulations you're a human being i don't think it's it's not fatal

[00:13:43] being confused is not fatal it's normal i'll leave you with two recent things that i heard

[00:13:54] on different platforms that kind of solidified this idea for me because obviously you know

[00:14:03] my grandma teaching me this my grandma is someone who i was very close to and i really admire

[00:14:10] but hearing this from other people as well is reassuring so i recently heard on a podcast that Obama

[00:14:19] has this philosophy where you don't need to be a hundred percent certain of something in order

[00:14:26] to make a decision you just need to be 51% sure just 51% just right over the right over the halfway

[00:14:38] point and the second platform or person rather that reaffirmed this for me i was recently

[00:14:48] watching a Netflix documentary about mental health it's called Stuts based on the life and philosophies

[00:14:55] of Phil Stuts the psychiatrist who's the subject of this documentary and he was saying there are

[00:15:03] three aspects of reality there's pain uncertainty and constant work and these are undeniable

[00:15:13] realities of every human being alive and uncertainties number two on that list so yeah maybe it's normal

[00:15:24] and you'll be just fine so the last question i want to leave you with is what identities have you

[00:15:34] gathered in your life so far so that's a wrap for today if you've enjoyed this conversation don't

[00:15:42] forget to hit subscribe to never miss an episode the in between a spot is created and hosted by

[00:15:48] Beatrice Norr the behind-the-scenes magic is things to have you bet ruby and original music is

[00:15:55] composed and produced by Melican Macidie join us every other Tuesday and remember the quest for

[00:16:01] belonging never ends and you are not alone keep exploring keep embracing and keep celebrating that

[00:16:09] in between this life